Before I ever had a child or became pregnant, one thing that I heard a lot was that your friendships would never be the same once someone in the friend circle had a baby. I saw plenty of rants where girls would discuss how they lost friends, and other women would comment "you have to get new friends who are also mothers." When I had Jhenesis, that was NOT the case for me at all. My friends rose to the occasion! They congratulated me, celebrated me, they were present for the birth, and they were present after I had her. None of the texts and phone calls stopped, none of the invitations to events and brunches etc. stopped, and I actually credit my friends' frequent visits as one of the things that helped pull my out of my postpartum depression or cheered me up when I was feeling blue. Things have changed, however. I have lost friends (some who were even bridesmaids), other friends became distant, and some of my friendship dynamics just aren't the same. When did everything begin to shift? The day I began preparing to say "I do."
It starts with the little things. Friends get mad at you for "choosing" a certain location for your bachelorette party, even though you did not plan it and don't even know where it's being held. The type of dress you've chosen doesn't work for one person, and when you put your foot down and say "this is what I want," they call you a bridezilla, so you let them wear what they want just to accommodate one person out of a group of ten because you don't want your friends to look at you that way. "I don't really like this gift, how about something else?" The drama begins before you even walk down the aisle, but nothing compares to the shift that takes place after it actually happens.
"You're married now." I've been married for only seven months, and I can't begin to tell you how many times I have heard that line. Each time it's said to me, it sounds as if being married is some sort of handicap. Friends assume that you no longer have space for them in your life. They feel like you have changed. Some even feel like they have to compete with you or feel a sense of insecurity that comes from comparison (that you may or may not even be aware about). Personally, I have taken this to heart, as I love my friends and some of them have been in my life for over 10 years and my getting married does not change my feelings about them.
Yes, my husband is my priority. No, that is not a hit on how I feel about you as a friend. A couple of years ago, I realized that a friend of mine (she'll know who she is when she reads this lol) would talk to me on the phone while driving until she was blue in the face, but once she pulled up to her house and to her husband, she would say "alright, girl. I'll talk to you later." I never took offense to this. I actually thought it was "cute" and to myself, I thought "I'm going to do that when I get married." I saw a change in her. I saw growth in her. I saw she was becoming a wife... and I admired that.
I've felt guilty too. I've felt like I should do more in order to prevent any of my friends from feeling any ill will towards me or do more to make sure they KNEW that they still matter to me, but one thing I learned from my friend when she was married and I wasn't is that friendship is not having to talk every single day. It does not mean going to the club or bar just because you asked. It isn't doing the same things that you used to do. Friendship is love and respect. It's being honest, even if your honesty is the ugly truth. It's understanding and support. It's encouraging each other to be better. It's each of you knowing in your hearts that if either of you are ever in need, you'd both be there for one another. It's knowing that even if you don't see each other often, when you finally DO see each other, there is nothing but deep-fried love in the air and genuine friendship. If, in your heart, you feel like your friend has dropped the ball in that area, isn't your relationship solid enough for you to be honest and tell her that? That's what you'd do in the past, right? Why is it different now?
Friends... we wish you knew that although we are married, we still need that "girl time" with you. We wish you knew that we actually did mean to call or text you, but something came up and we quickly forgot. We wish you knew that it hurts when we are punished (texts, phone calls, efforts to hang out being ignored) just because we are married. We wish you knew that our spouse is our best friend too. We wish you knew that we might have to move differently because every decision we make could directly affect them (our spouse). We wish you knew that... honestly you have changed a little too. We wish you knew that you treat us differently, and although we may not say it, we feel it... we've noticed it. We wish you knew that a phone call or text from you could brighten our day. We wish you knew that we are secretly rooting for your love life and praying for you to find the love that you want and deserve, just so that we can celebrate it just like you celebrated ours. We wish you didn't feel like you can't talk to us about your problems because you don't want to interfere in our "perfect" lives. Any married person can tell you that no marriage is perfect. We wish you knew that yes, we are wrapped up in our husbands and trying to build and create a life them, but we haven't forgotten about you. We wish you knew that we love you just the same.
Some might say that it's all in my head, but... I have several married friends who have experienced the same and even far worse. Some also might say "girl their season is over, let them go!" I agree with that sentiment as well! As I mentioned earlier, I have lost two friends, and a weight was actually lifted off my shoulders. On the other hand, I also know who my girls are deep down in their core, and I feel that some friendships are worth preserving. Someone currently reading this has either experienced it (their friend has gotten married, or they were the bride), or will experience it in the future. Hopefully "til death do us part" will be not only be the case for the marriage but also your friendships.
Written with love,
S. S.
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